Dakota Day

Here we are, May 28th, Dakota's due date!  I have decided to call today "Dakota Day"! I know for certain if Dakota had not been born by today he or she would be here today! (my Dr doesn't recommend going over 40 weeks)  Let me back up for just a minute.  In September Josh and I found out we were expecting our third child.  My first appointment was set for Monday November 4th right before my 11th week. On the night before my appointment something happened that I had never had happen before with my other two pregnancies but it could have still been "normal" so I just decided to stay calm and head out for my appointment in the morning as planned. Hoping for the best and the worst in the back of my mind Josh and I set out.  We get there and I tell the nurse what's going on. She and the Pa assure me that it is normal and we proceed with my exam.  During the exam the Pa decides I should have an ultrasound and instead of seeing a little heartbeat there is nothing....I will never be able to put into words what that moment in my life was like.

From there Josh and I make arrangements for the girls for the afternoon. We had only told my sister so now we have to make a lot of hard phone calls.  My miscarriage went into full swing on Tuesday and by Tuesday night things had gotten complicated. God was faithful and saw us through it all.  In the weeks to come there were many emotions, in fact some of those emotions have been very raw again as today has approached us on the calendar.  Josh and I decided on November 5th we would name the baby Dakota as it could be for a boy or girl.  It wasn't until February or March we decided on a middle name of Zion.  Dakota Zion, our precious baby who is waiting for us in the arms of Jesus.  One meaning of Dakota is "forever smiling".

Since the miscarriage it was found I was having other female problems and thankfully they have all been resolved.  My heart still aches and my arms still long to hold my baby.  As the song Blessings by Laura Story says "This is not my home!"  So today in my world today is Dakota Day! I will cry, I will smile, I will imagine what life would look like, and I will think of my precious baby safe from all the dangers of this world.  Through this unimaginable pain has come a closeness to my Savior and a bond with my husband that was not there before.

Right after everything happened a dear friend shared Selah's song I will Carry You with me and I am posting their lyrics below because many lines of this song say what I can not. 

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says…

I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen Me
To carry you