A year later!

As I sit here reflecting on the past year I feel many emotions. Sadness, joy, grief, fear, peace, and hope are the main ones that come to mind.  It was November 4th last year that Josh and I anxiously went to my first doctors appointment for our third pregnancy. I have chosen the word anxiously instead of excited because the night before this scheduled appointment "normal" was changing and we knew there would either be confirmation of our greatest fear or relief...confirmation came that our third precious baby Dakota Zion had already passed and my body was continuing with nature's process.  There have been many tears shed over the past year and the void in my heart is still as big as it was a year ago.  You can check out my blog "Dakota Day" to read more of that time in my life.

In that blog I mentioned having other female issues after the miscarriage and between those and our loss, I wasn't sure if I wanted to try for another child.  As time passed I would go back and forth between yes and no...so we were just stuck at a maybe one day. There was so much fear that we would lose another child, or that there would be complications.  Then there was hope that we would expand our family and have our love grow again! There was guilt when I would have thoughts of "moving on" or asking myself would I be trying to replace what we have lost.

One thing I didn't mention in my blog "Dakota Day" was on that very day Josh and I were at a conference and someone very close to us both but not knowing all of my emotions and feelings leaned over and whispered something in my ear.  He said something along the lines of God wants you to know you can trust Him with your heart.  I was a little taken back by this statement and thought just maybe this was about us trying again and that I could trust God to heal my heart and to have hope in Him that things would be okay.  Yet on this day my emotions were so raw that I decided to just take the words and allow them to penetrate my heart in whatever way God meant them for me.  That wasn't a one moment thing, but something I thought and prayed about and still do often.

More time passed and we made the decision we did want another child but we weren't sure about the timing given that we were about to make a move across the country and start the church planting process.  God's timing is perfect though and He works things out.  In the weeks before we moved we found out we were expecting again! My wonderful doctor in Pa was able to squeeze us in to make sure things were okay right before we moved and we were overwhelmed with joy!  Today I am 20 weeks pregnancy with our SON, Noah Luke!  I feel such a mix of emotions today as I grieve and celebrate all at once.  Life is happening and healing is still taking place every day!

~I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.~
Romas 15:13

It's a Mama Life

Being a mother is one of the hardest and most rewarding things ever. One moment my girls are hugging and the next pulling hair. Some days are full of giggling, others whining, but most days are a little (or a lot) of both. I pray that I'm the mother Kaylee and Naomi need and I back that praying up with trying my best. Some days I lose it and others I'm so proud I held it together. Either way at the end of the day no matter what that day held their hugs, kisses, smiles, and conversations bring me joy unexplainable!

There are moments they bring tears of joy to my eyes like above and then in times like below my tears are for other reasons.

 I love watching my girls play and love on each other and I pray they are best friends as I am best friends with my sister Jessica!

 Most days instead if having awesome crafts and yummy snacks I feel my day is full of washing clothes and picking up toys. I have to stop myself and remember they won't care if the toys are picked up every night but if I read them their favorite book. They don't care if I have to run the washing machine twice because I forgot to put the clothes in, but they want time flying kites outside. Motherhood is such a wonderful balancing act and I hopefully I get better day by day.

Hardwork and Discipline

The two things between me and my goals are hardwork aka exercise and discipline aka eating healthy! 

My yummy smoothie and my view during the ab challenge! 

Two Days Down

Yesterday was Sunday but I hit the ground running..well I hit the elliptical running to be exact. Day one of the ab challenge wasn't so bad and my other exercises went well. I don't push myself as hard as I could so I hope to push harder. My eating was okay until I ate popcorn (healthy yes) and I wanted something sweet after (not healthy at all)!  

Today I ran a little longer, did a few more arm exercises, and PUSHED through the ab challenge. It's only day two and I'm thinking it will be a miracle if I make it to the end. My breakfast and lunch were yummily healthy and the plans for supper are the same. If only I could stay away from sweets during my munchie times.

I'm not perfect but I'm making progress! 

I have decided not to weigh in this month until June 27th, which is the day Josh and I leave for camp. I am going to do my best and leave the rest up to God! I am not defined by the scale or my pants size. While they do measure a certain level of success I feel I need to focus on how I'm feeling and the choices I make day to day.  This month will be successful no matter what as long as I stick to my goals of eating healthy and exercising! And I REALLY hope the scale will reflect that come June 27th but either way I will be closer to my healthy mama lifestyle! 

June Challenge

Tomorrow is June 1st! Things with my weight loss journey have been going pretty okay. Last month I broke the 217 mark and when I left to go home the beginning of this month I was at 209! Going home was a challenge but over all I feel I did well. I have not recorded my weight since returning but my clothes are still fitting the same as when I left for NC. 

I have five goals for the month of June.

1. Complete an ab challenge.

2. Daily cardio/strengthening.

3. Eat cleaner.

    -little to no fast food

4. Enter back into "onederland"!

5. Fit into a size 16!

Dakota Day

Here we are, May 28th, Dakota's due date!  I have decided to call today "Dakota Day"! I know for certain if Dakota had not been born by today he or she would be here today! (my Dr doesn't recommend going over 40 weeks)  Let me back up for just a minute.  In September Josh and I found out we were expecting our third child.  My first appointment was set for Monday November 4th right before my 11th week. On the night before my appointment something happened that I had never had happen before with my other two pregnancies but it could have still been "normal" so I just decided to stay calm and head out for my appointment in the morning as planned. Hoping for the best and the worst in the back of my mind Josh and I set out.  We get there and I tell the nurse what's going on. She and the Pa assure me that it is normal and we proceed with my exam.  During the exam the Pa decides I should have an ultrasound and instead of seeing a little heartbeat there is nothing....I will never be able to put into words what that moment in my life was like.

From there Josh and I make arrangements for the girls for the afternoon. We had only told my sister so now we have to make a lot of hard phone calls.  My miscarriage went into full swing on Tuesday and by Tuesday night things had gotten complicated. God was faithful and saw us through it all.  In the weeks to come there were many emotions, in fact some of those emotions have been very raw again as today has approached us on the calendar.  Josh and I decided on November 5th we would name the baby Dakota as it could be for a boy or girl.  It wasn't until February or March we decided on a middle name of Zion.  Dakota Zion, our precious baby who is waiting for us in the arms of Jesus.  One meaning of Dakota is "forever smiling".

Since the miscarriage it was found I was having other female problems and thankfully they have all been resolved.  My heart still aches and my arms still long to hold my baby.  As the song Blessings by Laura Story says "This is not my home!"  So today in my world today is Dakota Day! I will cry, I will smile, I will imagine what life would look like, and I will think of my precious baby safe from all the dangers of this world.  Through this unimaginable pain has come a closeness to my Savior and a bond with my husband that was not there before.

Right after everything happened a dear friend shared Selah's song I will Carry You with me and I am posting their lyrics below because many lines of this song say what I can not. 

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says…

I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen Me
To carry you

When a Person gets You Thinking.....

I LOVE "Live with Kelly and Michael"! Before Michael, I loved Regis and Kelly, and before Kelly, I loved Regis and Kathie Lee.  Now most mornings I don't get to watch due to other programs on my television such as "Doc Mcstuffins" or "Octonauts" or any other show my children love.

THIS morning however I was able to watch and the show has prompted some thinking.  I am also a football fan which my husband loves, so I was excited to hear Deion Sanders would be on today's show. I love watching Michael interact with his sports friends!  There was some joking around that made me laugh and then they began talking about Deion's family....8 kids in the home...2 away at college for a total of...10 KIDS! He felt the need to explain, I just thought it was awesome!

Some of the children are his biological children, some are other family members such a nieces and nephews, and he also has adopted at least one child.  Kelly then asked "How do you get adopted by the Sander's Family?" And Deion began to speak about the charter school he has and told this story. He told of a boy that came to school with his suitcase because his mother was incarcerated, his father was no where to be found, and for whatever reason his current living situation had ended. Deion said that he took this boy in for a month or two while he found a home to place this young boy in.  Then Deion said something along the lines of "Children are my calling, football was just my platform!"...WOW!

In my opinion Deion obviously has a heart for children and most people don't see or think of that when they hear the name Deion Sanders. You think of a great sports player that has played in two Superbowls (boo cowgirls) and in the World Series for The Braves (go Braves!).  Yes I am a Braves fan and I hate the Cowgirls...Go Skins!

Back to my point of what he said, his calling is children and his platform was football.  It made me think, I believe I know my calling but what is my platform? Some people may know their platform but they aren't sure of what their calling is.  In this world we need more people that know both, and use their platform to enable them to fulfill their calling! Not everyone is called to be a preacher, youth pastor, praise and worship leader, Sunday school teacher, and the list of church rolls could go on. But if you know Christ as your Lord He has called YOU to your own ministry.  Whether that be a teacher, doctor, business man, stay at home mom, mentor, scientist, accountant, lawyer, and again the list could go on.  I believe that our calling and our platform will go hand in hand.  This could look like many different things so I will not give examples, but for Deion Sanders his calling of children was activated by the platform of football. I think the most obvious way was probably it has financed his dreams to help children. 

I don't know what Deion's religious beliefs are, but for me as a Christian, I believe no matter what profession we are in, we are all called! Even if you aren't a Christian you have a purpose to fulfill. Now yes, I do believe that the only way to completely know what you are created for is to know the Creator. If you are seeking your purpose without knowing the One who purposed you it will be a long journey. My favorite verse is "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you" Matthew 6:33.  The best place to start your journey of being fulfilled is to seek after God and as you seek Him, He will guide your path.

I didn't wake up this morning thinking Deion Sanders would provoke such thinking with one statement, but hey he did and hopefully now the wheels are spinning in your head! Have a great day and be blessed!

Weekly Update

Well the scale was sorta nice to me this morning. I am back down to 217, although I was really hoping to break that plateau.  Josh and I are going out of down next weekend for our 5 year anniversary which is tomorrow and I had a goal weight written down.  I am not going to reach that goal so I'm dealing with letting that go.  I am just trying to keep my focus on the success I have had so far. My new goal is to break the plateau and try to wear a certain dress I have had hanging in my closet since I became pregnant with Naomi. Maybe I will post a picture of it if I get to wear it. :) Thank you to everyone for their encouragement and support.  We can do this!

Hearing the Phone Ring

If you have ever received a phone call with bad news you know the feeling you get the next time the phone rings. And the next time, the following time, and for some months down the road when the phone rings.  Living far away from family usually means I will get good and bad new over the phone. 5 years ago I received a phone call that my dear Aunt had passed away, just a week or so later another phone call that my step-mother's father had passed away. All of my grandparents passed before I was born or shorty after I was born, so Pa was the only Grandaddy I had every known.  It took my quite a while to not go into panic mood when I had more than one missed call from multiple people back home.  Then just a few months down the road I received news that my childhood pastor had also gone to be with Jesus. Phone call after phone call after phone call.

In recent years I haven't received many phone calls with bad news so my anxiety level when my phone rings is pretty level.  Last night I missed a call from my sister while I was trying to load the kids up in the van to head home from church.  As I get in the van, Josh tells me Wayne called him and said my sister was trying to call me. I knew I had missed her call and thought to myself they must be without electricity or their winter storm was getting crazy for Wayne to have called Josh. So I call my sister back and she tells me....

Just a few hours earlier I called my Daddy a little after 6pm thinking with the bad weather coming he would be home. He informed me he was heading home and the roads weren't very good so we quickly got off the phone. Before we hung up he asked me to pray, and I did. I have always prayed for my Daddy out on the road. When I was little I would tell him every morning before he left in his big truck; "Read your Bible, take a nap, think about me, pray!" Obviously I wanted him to take a nap when he was being loaded and unloaded not while driving ;)

"Daddy is okay, but he was in an accident today!" The words hit hard, I'm sure much harder had someone been hurt.  I was okay because my Daddy was okay and so was the other person.  She then begins to tell me what she knew of the accident and the heaviness begins to set in.  My Daddy who is a truck driver had an accident and hit someone else.  He could have been killed, someone else could have been killed.  God's grace, mercy, and protection!

I am so thankful to God that everyone is okay and I am praying for the other driver and my Daddy.  The trauma related to any accident can stay with you and I pray that Jesus would touch their minds and give them peace. 

News Story of the Accident and Pictures

Sermon Point 4

In my last post after I had finished and posted it I realized I did not give an update on my weight loss journey.  As I said before many things in life have and are changing including my weight.  There were a few times that me losing weight was not the forefront of my mind, especially during my health issues.  Here is a picture of dedication for you though; I GOT UP AND RAN ON THANKSGIVING DAY! Yep, I knew I wanted to eat so I ran! After the first of the year I joined Weight Watchers for the 2nd time and I must say this time around I have had better results so far. My weight was fluctuating between 227-230 yet again and was at 227 the morning I began WW.  Last week when I weighed in I was down to 217 for a total loss of 10 pounds! YAY ME! Then I had a horrible weekend with my eating habits. I fell off the eating good train, so Monday a great friend and I decided to encourage each other to exercise.  I have ran three days this week (I missed today) and figured the scale wasn't going to be nice to me but I wasn't ready for what number I read. Those three pounds I had lost last week, guess what, they are back...so my scale says! I want to believe it is lying to me again. It has done that before; well in my opinion any way. ;) I am quite discouraged especially since I started back exercising, but I am reminding myself eating right and exercising isn't ALL about the scale but how I feel. Honestly I feel better this week with the scale at 220 than I did last week at 217, so I will get up tomorrow and Saturday and run! My goal is to run 5/7 days a week and for now I am at 22 minutes on the elliptical.  Anyway, if you are reading this and on your own weight loss journey, YOU CAN DO IT! If you are skinny and reading this, go eat a doughnut for me! ;)

Give Me Faith!

I always find it amazing how many times I write a blog post or journal entry in my head before I actually put my pen to paper or fingers to the keyboard. Well MANY things have happened since I was too fat for a roller coaster, so where should I begin?

Let's start with some MAJOR life changes occurring this year in Smithville....Smithville is relocating from the snowiest place on earth in Pennsylvania to the hottest place on earth in Arizona. We just go from one extreme to the other, hey who likes being mediocre? Josh and I have decided to join in a new adventure and move to Surprise, Az and plant a church with my sister and her husband. So far that's about all we know; Josh has no job out there and we can't start looking for a place to live in June. Our move date is set for August 11th and I think a cross country trip with two small kids will be quite the adventure in and of itself. I still don't think I really understand how much faith this move is requiring and going to require of me....

Next on my list is my health...without going into many details, the last few months of 2013 and the beginning part of 2014 proved to be a challenge for me, my health, and my faith. 2013 was a challenging year and as it neared the end I kept saying I couldn't wait to leave 2013 and it's issues and jump into 2014 with a fresh start.  Well guess what, 2013 lingered into 2014 because health, money, and life doesn't care what year it is. Life happens when life happens regardless of the date on your calender. I had to let go of my ideal thought that the new year would bring a less problem filled life for myself. I had to put less faith in the new year and more faith in Jesus! For now my health issues seem to be resolved even though there are many lingering questions. I have fear things will creep back up and I am once again finding myself seeing that five letter word F-A-I-T-H....

Money, money, money...this third point is related to both of my previous points...is this turning into a three point sermon?! Such a preachers wife, haha! So we are moving, my husband has no future job, medical bills piling up...money, money, money...need I say more?! Oh yeah...that word again...faith.....

Let's go back to September 2012 when Josh and I found ourselves at a leadership conference in Greenville, SC singing a new song for us called "Give me Faith".  It was at that conference God confirmed the next step in our lives was coming soon. We just continued to pray having no idea that the beginning of 2013 we would be asked to consider a move across the country. I had forgotten about that little song until my sister led worship and I couldn't figure out how I knew "Give me Faith".  Josh remembered the song from the conference and my question was answered. This song became my ringtone and song of 2013...boy I didn't realize how much this song would mean to me.

 Typically I see new themes for each new year because I like neatness like that but guess what...that theme of faith just will not leave me alone! Once again that lesson of letting go of my time calender. Before the song "New Season" by Israel Houghton he says "seasons aren't governed by clocks and calenders, seasons are governed by revelation and truth"...that song has been my song through many seasons. Anyway, when will I get that tidbit into my heart!

So I read a devotional talking about "one word" for the year and guess what word God put into my heart...FAITH...yep! So here I am in 2014 with my ringtone still singing "Give me Faith" and my prayer being more of a question of "God do I really have enough faith for ALL this?"  God is faithful, I know that without a doubt, so whatever comes I will hold onto my faithful father. And if I need a reminder I will just call myself to listen to my ringtone!