Too Fat For a Roller Coaster

All of my life I feel my weight has been a roller coaster. I can remember being picked on as young as elementary school, then in high school things changed. I became a cheerleader and took up running to help relieve stress and frustrations. My confidence was so much higher and I believed I was beautiful! My weight was about 145-150 for most of high school. Once college came and my exercise habits changed so did my weight but not too much, I was around 155-160. I still believed I was beautiful despite the scale reading a higher number.  When Josh came into my life I was comfortable for the most part with how I looked.  I still wanted to lose the weight I had gained in my first two years of college but my attempts failed. In fact instead of losing weight I continued to gain. 

By the time we were planning our wedding I knew something had to changed. At this point I weighed in at 193!!!  For our wedding I lost about 30 pounds and it felt so good to fit into my beautiful dress. During that process I was running at the gym for an hour to two hours a day most days. When we got married I hated the gym at our apartment and was still scared to run on the pavement due to a high school injury. I put on a few pounds after marriage and was around 170 when we found out baby Smith was coming!

 My pregnancy was very healthy and at first I couldn't gain weight and then everything changed. I gained a total of 39 pounds putting me at 209 but didn't feel that was so much I couldn't lose it easily. In fact everyone told me that since I was breastfeeding it would practically fall off of me...well it DIDN'T! I worked hard and and the scale read 185. Looking in the mirror I didn't see any results although I look at pictures and realize I was wrong, so I gave up. It was my senior year of school and I had a new baby;  graduation, exams, and moving to a new state became my focus. By the time we moved and Kaylee was 6 months old I was back up to 204. So here I am with a 6 month old baby and only 5 pounds from being 9 months pregnant again...depressing! I just didn't feel like working hard and trying anymore because I felt like it was pointless so before I knew it my 9 month pregnant weight came and went and by the time Kaylee was 18 months old I weighed 225 and that was hard!

Josh and I were beginning to talk about having another baby but my weight really concerned me. I didn't want to get pregnant and put myself and our baby at risk. I tried losing weight and felt so defeated so I gave up once again.  I decided that we would have another baby and I would just be very careful with my eating and weight gain. It my first 5 months of pregnancy I lost 8 pounds down to 217 and then the glory months were over. I gained back the 8 pounds plus 15 more so I ended my pregnancy at 240, but hey I was "healthy" and the baby was healthy so we had accomplished our goal! Naomi was born and that weight did fall right off plus some so I was at 221!! But wait it didn't last long, I got comfortable once again and didn't keep going and the number on the scale went higher and higher. I made it back up to my 9 month pregnancy weight with Naomi but refused to go over that weight like I did after I had Kaylee.

Roller coasters go up and down just like the number on that scale, for our trip to Arizona I was able to get back down to 223.  People look at me and say "but darling you have had two children in three years"...well yes but my babies are now 3 and 1...I have lost the weight and gained it back...I can't use that as my excuse if I lost the baby weight and put it back on. This totally falls on my eating and exercise habits; or lack there of on the latter. 

I set a goal last year to run a 5K and face that fear of pavement running since high school and so my sister and I have signed up for a Color Me Rad race October 26th, 2103. Three weeks ago Josh went out of town and I was weighing in at 230, that week I decided to be mindful of my eating and start walking. Last week I began a couch to 5k program and it is so hard. I have lost 3 pounds as of last Saturday! 

So this Tuesday we took our youth group to Cedar Point, early that morning I had one of our teens ask if I was losing weight...that really made me feel good and I proudly said yes. I was so excited to go to the #1 Park in the world and ride some coasters. We first rode the new coaster there and it was awesome! Our second coaster was the #1 coaster last year and I was nervous and excited. One fear I have always had regardless of my weight was being too big to ride a roller coaster. Well guess what...we waited in line for two hours and when it came time the seatbelt wouldn't fasten...yep...so I gracefully walked down the exit line holding back tears.  It ruined my day for a few hours and I finally mustered up the courage to try a few other coasters and ended up having fun over all. 

So my hard work the past three weeks and a big fear still comes true..talk about being discouraged and disappointed! So once again I am back in the place of what's the point?? I tried doing my training yesterday for it to rain and guess what...rain again today!  I am still a little down but I am not giving up!   Tuesday was a very hard day but I am going to take it and use it for determination and my motivation! 

This was a very hard blog to write and at first I didn't have my exact weights just the amounts I had gained or lost. While I am ashamed I let myself get to this point, I will not be held captive in shame.  I will overcome this starting with getting it all out there!  This weight roller coaster will not conqueror me and I will live a healthy life for myself and my family! Never again will I be too fat for a roller coaster, and I will go back and ride that roller coaster...I will win!