A year later!

As I sit here reflecting on the past year I feel many emotions. Sadness, joy, grief, fear, peace, and hope are the main ones that come to mind.  It was November 4th last year that Josh and I anxiously went to my first doctors appointment for our third pregnancy. I have chosen the word anxiously instead of excited because the night before this scheduled appointment "normal" was changing and we knew there would either be confirmation of our greatest fear or relief...confirmation came that our third precious baby Dakota Zion had already passed and my body was continuing with nature's process.  There have been many tears shed over the past year and the void in my heart is still as big as it was a year ago.  You can check out my blog "Dakota Day" to read more of that time in my life.

In that blog I mentioned having other female issues after the miscarriage and between those and our loss, I wasn't sure if I wanted to try for another child.  As time passed I would go back and forth between yes and no...so we were just stuck at a maybe one day. There was so much fear that we would lose another child, or that there would be complications.  Then there was hope that we would expand our family and have our love grow again! There was guilt when I would have thoughts of "moving on" or asking myself would I be trying to replace what we have lost.

One thing I didn't mention in my blog "Dakota Day" was on that very day Josh and I were at a conference and someone very close to us both but not knowing all of my emotions and feelings leaned over and whispered something in my ear.  He said something along the lines of God wants you to know you can trust Him with your heart.  I was a little taken back by this statement and thought just maybe this was about us trying again and that I could trust God to heal my heart and to have hope in Him that things would be okay.  Yet on this day my emotions were so raw that I decided to just take the words and allow them to penetrate my heart in whatever way God meant them for me.  That wasn't a one moment thing, but something I thought and prayed about and still do often.

More time passed and we made the decision we did want another child but we weren't sure about the timing given that we were about to make a move across the country and start the church planting process.  God's timing is perfect though and He works things out.  In the weeks before we moved we found out we were expecting again! My wonderful doctor in Pa was able to squeeze us in to make sure things were okay right before we moved and we were overwhelmed with joy!  Today I am 20 weeks pregnancy with our SON, Noah Luke!  I feel such a mix of emotions today as I grieve and celebrate all at once.  Life is happening and healing is still taking place every day!

~I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.~
Romas 15:13